Ever met anyone with an all or nothing, black or white approach to life? Thinking in these terms is what is called “polarized thinking”. It basically divides life up into extremes and there is no room for anything in between. Now while there may be times that things are black and white, clearly every situation is not so cut and dry. A person that has extreme thinking not only has a very difficult time seeing any gray to life, they also have a difficult time seeing new or different possibilities.

A person that has an “all or nothing”, “black or white” approach to life can really get stuck when it comes to decision making. I see and hear this all the time with my clients. Important decisions are not made or postponed because things are not perfect. It reminds me of the couple who have big plans to travel for retirement only to get to retirement and not be able to live out their dreams because of bad health, or life issues and problems. Wonder why they didn’t travel along the way?.

Extreme thinking can also apply to our self concept. The all or nothing attitude says, if I blow it, or can’t do it perfectly, or succeed at it, then I won’t even try. Dr. Chris Thurman, noted psychologist, describes it as “scum/saint” thinking pattern. I am either a “saint” or a “scum bag.” I’m either really good or really bad. No middle ground here. He quickly points out that we all do scummy things, and we do saintly things, but no one is a total “scum bag” or a “saint.” When we have extremes in our thinking about ourselves, we often fool ourselves into thinking that we are somehow better or worse than we are, and we set ourselves up to have a major crash of some kind.

Life is clearly not always so black and white. Sometimes it really can be “both and” instead of “either or.” We might have learned the “either or” idea growing up. Either you do what I am telling you to do, or this is going to happen to you. While, this might be helpful in learning that decisions have consequences, it is not always the best approach to life. What about other possibilities? I find that life is about choices. If we adopt an “either or” mentality we limit our options and choices. For ex, Sally wants to one day write a book, but doesn’t feel like she can do this as long as she is working full-time at a job. Maybe that’s the case or maybe not. What about the possibility of writing a chapter a day? Why does it have to be either or? Maybe it needs to be, but the question still needs to be asked why can’t it be both?

What I find is that having an either or perspective limits the possibilities and quite frankly, can become an excuse that we hide behind, either or can be our excuse for not moving in a new direction or taking action. The question becomes, if we are not faithful in the “small things” now, how can we be trusted with larger things? If we are not making small changes now, why would we embrace the big changes when given the opportunity? Even if the circumstances changed and were perfect, would we change, if we are not changing now?

It seems to me, the challenge in life is to not only have the ability to see when life is truly black and white, great and awful, either or, but also the many in between shades of gray that do exist. Life is not always so cut and dry or simplistic and definitely not so one dimensional. When you dare to consider that there could be a “both and” in some of your choices, your life can take on new interests and new possibilities.